Clueless

i am not sure what i am thinking right now. it has been quite a few weeks that i am behaving like not a real me. despite of having all the spider webs inside my mind, i still can smile and laugh all the way long. Believe me, it had been a hectic week for me last weekend. now, i am trying to lay back and chill a bit. but then, hey, it's not that easy. i have these so many things to finish up, settle and clear before the end of this year. but, all i could do was to wrap my school day with finishing only 3-4 important tasks at school, such as the rekod kedatangan pelajar, my rekod mengajar, giving the names of those who havent paid for their yuran, and sent in my SKT and borang serahan tugas. Which i believed that i would be the teacher with the least signature in the form. well. don't blame me. In November, we only have 9 school days, which 2 days had been taken up for the trip, 1 day for the biasiswa meeting and another 4 days for the kursus. so, it only left me with 2 days to settle all the mountain pile of work at school??? Ok. this is so not fair. who i am blaming here? No one actually. myself la. not so efficient in handling things. but, things kept coming last minute..the biasiswa thingy especially..sgt last minute,ok.

And ok, that's work. Personal life? What is actually happening to me? Why can't i be so strict to myself and just say what i have to say. No means No. Why i am so fickle-minded? Ya Allah, istiqamahkan diriku. i hate myself for being like this. i so damn hate it. but still.....what's happening here? I always pray and hope that i will change to be better. why the road that i've taken seems so hard and challenging?

"Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Ia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dan ia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya. (Mereka berdoa dengan berkata): "Wahai Tuhan Kami! Janganlah Engkau mengirakan kami salah jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Wahai Tuhan Kami! Janganlah Engkau bebankan kami bebanan yang berat sebagaimana yg telah Engkau bebankan kpd orang-orang terdahulu drpd kami. Wahai Tuhan Kami! Jgnlah Engkau pikulkan kpd kami apa yg kami tidak terdaya memikulnya. Dan maafkanlah kesalahan kami, serta ampunkanlah dosa kami, dan berilah rahmat kpd kami. Engkaulah penolong kami, oleh itu tolonglah kami utk mencapai kemenangan terhadap kaum-kaum yg kafir" (Al-Baqarah:286)